Blog – Kingdom Lesson #12. By Jim Banks www.jimandpatbanks.com www.traumaprayer.com
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I find myself being asked to give my opinion regarding a problem that more and more people seemed to be faced with, “How do I handle being continually abused by narcissistic parents or a spouse? The problem is complicated by the fact that I cannot move away.”
Obviously, every situation is different with each of the parties either being blood related by birth or connected by covenant (or in some cases contractual union) which presents emotional bonds that weigh heavily on the abused party. For instance, in the middle of abuse by a parent how does one keep the commandment noted in following verses.
Exodus 20:12 “Honor thy father and thy mother: that thy days may be long upon the land which the LORD thy God giveth thee.”
Leviticus 19:15 “You shall do no unrighteousness in judgment: you shall not respect the person of the poor, nor honor the person of the mighty: but in righteousness shall you judge you neighbor.”
Then Jesus is recorded by Mark in the New Testament as saying in Mark 7:10 13 “For Moses said, Honor thy father and thy mother; and, He that speaks evil of father or mother, let him die the death: 11 but you say, If a man shall say to his father or his mother, That wherewith you might have been profited by me is Corban, that is to say, Given to God; 12 ye no longer suffer (require) him to do aught (anything) for his father or his mother; 13 making void the word of God by your tradition, which you have delivered: and many such like things you do.”
That raises the question of how do I honor my parents and the Word when they are continuously abusive to me? I would say this to that specific question; What it looks like to honor your father and mother at 15 years of age is different from what it looks like at 30, and yet one must still be obedient to Leviticus 19:15 (above) at the same time. There is a point in maturity when a parent must mature beyond the exclusive role of guardian, authority, provider and counselor to his or her child and needs to move on into the role of peer … if asked.
Many parents never benefited by this level of maturity by their own parent’s model and expected their children to remain under their thumb until they died. When a child becomes a full-fledged adult, my guess is around 24 or 25, then they should be on their own and self-supporting for the most part. If you are still living under your parent’s roof and your income is still being supplemented by your parents, then they have either done a poor job in raising you, or you have been rebellious and have failed to become a responsible adult. Yes, there are extenuating circumstances to this generalization, for instance further education which prevents working full or part-time, health issues, death or divorce from a spouse, or a major career interruption, but generally these circumstances are well understood and agreed upon by both parties, and that’s fine.
If you are living with your parents, either by agreement or out of necessity, there is some level of their abuse you are just going to have to put up with. It keeps the pressure on you to do what needs to be done to move out and move on. This is particularly true if you are below the age of 18 to 20. If you are above that age, then there are some expectations for you to begin to stand up for yourself and begin establishing boundaries for yourself and others.
There are many on our society who are cared for by their adult children for their parents are advanced in years and in declining health and need a level of care which they cannot afford. We see that a lot these days. When parent becomes burdensome to care for because they are abusive to the caretaker, it’s time to establish some boundaries. Boundaries without consequences are useless.
When the covid lockdowns started back in 2020 my wife and I did 40 days of prayer on a Facebook page which drew about 600 daily views each day. About half-way into it we posted a request to have individuals tell us what they needed prayer over. In short order we received a half-dozen responses that stated something along these lines; “I quit my job, moved in with my parents to take care of them. I left my job, left my friends and my precious support group, I’m not only now alone and isolated, but I’m living with those who verbally abused me most of my life. My life is Hell!”
I would have to agree with her regarding the synopsis of her circumstances. However … she or anyone else in a similar circumstance, has to realize that since she is the sole caretaker, presumably at her parent’s behest, she is in control and as a result, has a degree of control in her situation. This is where boundaries have to be instituted, and as I stated earlier, boundaries without consequences are useless. They are just wishes. She does have the position and the ability to make a number of specific demands regarding how her parents speak to her and treat her. If they refuse, then she should resign from her place as caretaker for her own protection and leave them to their own devices. This is obviously a very tough decision to make knowing the consequences for the parents and the position they are in, but the parents, as well as the caretaker, have to make tough choices if anything is going to change for the better.
Many would say that this is not honoring her parents, yet scripture commands us in multiple places to love one another. Sometimes love has to take a firm stand so the best for both parties has a chance to arise. However, before she, or anyone else, does so, she needs to consider the following; Is this a “ministry” the Lord has assigned her? If so …
Acts 20:24 “But I do not hold my life of any account, as dear unto myself, so that I may accomplish my course, and the ministry which I received from the Lord Jesus, to testify the gospel of the grace of God.”
Philippians 4:11-13 Not that I speak in respect of want: for I have learned, in whatsoever state I am, therein to be content. 12 “I know how to be abased, and I know also how to abound: in everything and in all things have I learned the secret both to be filled and to be hungry, both to abound and to be in want. 13 I can do all things in him that strengthens me.”
For such is the King of the Kingdom of Heaven’s ability to help us bear up under what are extraordinary and difficult circumstances. Mark my words, what is coming on this country, and against believers it is going to be necessary for us to learn to walk in the expectation of the overcoming grace of God being ours in the midst of what we are going through, without giving up.
Training in just such a situation produces a blessing for us and we must make a decision regarding where we’ll stand, for the difficulty will arise and when it feels like the pressure is too great for us to bear we are tempted to give up and make a break from it. It is a test. A test we must pass.
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